Learning

I used to feel weird or like an outcast when people asked me what my hobbies are and I would say, "I don't have any hobbies." Even some would say, "well isn't music your hobby." To which my reply was, "NO, music is what I do." But I look around and see so many people obsessed completely with sports teams and useless past times that they're not involved with on any level other than being a spectator and I am so glad that I am not a part of that crowd. Sure there are times at which I might sit down and watch a game or more likely a part of a game. But I could never get so involved that I get upset or angry at a team on T.V. getting paid to do a job.

What I'm saying is that if I had to have a hobby, it would be that I enjoy spending time learning. I enjoy learning about anything, mostly music, but really anything goes. I like to think that the things I focus on and spend my precious time worrying about and losing sleep over are things that will further my growth as a human being and will lead me down the path toward a greater truth and understanding of the universe we live in.

Ten Years

My how time does pass. As fast as it seems today, I've worked long and hard to get where I am and to be the person that I chose to be today. I'm not by any means where I want to be but on the path.

I've started and been a part of numerous bands that have seen some good times and lots of bad times. Some of the most memorable moments of my life lived between a recording studio and a van and falling asleep while Greg spent hours mixing into the night. I've lived in Los Angeles, Phoenix (twice) and moved to Salt Lake City to live and go to school. Ten years ago I lost something I thought I'd never have again. Since then, she returned to me and now I've lost her again. Since then I've been married and divorced.

I've completed 4 years in college and transferred to a music program that has allowed me more playing opportunities than I could have ever hoped for. I've learned to play the piano, flute, clarinet, saxophone, oboe, bassoon, trumpet, trombone, and french horn along with a world of percussion. Played 2-3 concerts per month for the last 3 years, played various different parts in musicals, and played more at churches than I ever thought I would.

Moving forward and excited to see what the next ten years will hold. I'm sure it won't be what I have planned but will work with what I'm given and enjoy the process.

Shining Star

You've always been my shining star that's always just out of reach. We seem to be destined to be a apart, yet never allowed to forget the love that explodes when we're together. They say that pain reminds us we're alive, in that case I've never felt more alive. As much time as I've had to enjoy you, like a shooting star our time together has come. The universe calls, it's time to go back to the destiny that awaits. I can't help but feel torn and a bit broken but if the past has proven anything it's that we'll see each other again. Like a long distance comet, our time to pass close will return. The time has come to say, "good bye."

Confusing

You say you love me and want to be with me, but when you have a chance to spend time around me you're awkward and completely off-putting in so many ways. I go out of my way to see you and you make me feel like a complete stranger. Friends....hm...interesting.

Relationships

I've come to realize that through out my entire life I've never really grown up with or seen very many positive relationships. Aside from what Hollywood tells us what relationships are supposed to be, my actual life experience and knowledge are very limited in the arena. I do realize that I am a hopeless romantic in so many ways, but shouldn't a good/positive relationship be pretty easy going and no major conflicts (other than maybe big ones like kids, houses...etc). Most days I just want someone that I can talk to, someone that is happy to see me and wants to hug me when they don't see me for days or weeks. Neither party should have to walk on eggshells around the other, in fear that they might upset the way of things. I feel like it should be as easy as breathing.

Path to the Future

Life is coming down to a series of decisions. Decisions that could potentially change everything for either the better or the worst. How to make the right decisions is a confounding process. I have the choice to pursue my lifes dreams and continue down the path that I've sewn through my own decisions or to put many of these dreams behind and move on to a life that i , up until recently have never thought an option. I feel like I've hit a major fork in the road, where one path will lead me farther away from those I care about but the other path will lead me further away from the dreams and goals that I've set out for so many years. I know why this decision is becoming harder and harder as the days go on, but I'm still torn. I need to take some time to meditate and really re-focus my attention to the universe. Perhaps the answer is out there and I just need to listen.

Regrets

I know that I just posted a piece but I feel that this has to be said as well. For those of you who think you know me and for those of you who don't know me at all... I don't have regrets. I hold strong to the belief that everything, every action, every decision makes us who we are. Therefore why would I regret anything that has gotten me to where I'm at in my life?

There have been good decisions, there have been bad decisions....there have been REALLY bad decisions but they are mine nonetheless. I expect you to accept me for who I am and realize that I'm in a constant state of change and growth, because I will do the same for you.

Life is changing, how you react and deal with it is all you.

Unique Perception

When it rains it fucking pours. Not only literally right now, it's been raining on and off for a week now, but in my life as well.

Interesting that quite consistently throughout my life when things are looking up and start to build momentum another part of my life completely hits a brick wall and falls apart. I seem to be lacking some of the common sense skills needed to succeed in life (or maybe just relationships) but I'm doing the best I can with what I have. Stating the obvious here, any smart person would continue focusing on the part of their life that is positive and building momentum. The problem is that I will be broken and spend time mourning the loss (or possible loss, don't really know yet) in my life and the momentum will have faded. I've worked really hard to not become a complete cynic but this might just push me over the line. It may be time to become a recluse and just focus on taking control and really pushing through to make opportunities happen.

Pretty sure that I see things in such a unique way that it pushes people away? Seems that for pursuing my dreams at any cost I'm viewed as crazy, heartless, or even mean at times. My intention is not to hurt anyone along the way, although I do realize that casualties will happen. I do not intentionally go out of my way to hurt anyone, ever! My only ruse is a positive one that is intended to involve those I care about in the happenings of my life.

As per usual, it's time to re-focus on what's important and try to give my actions purpose instead of flailing around aimlessly. I've got a Utah Wind Symphony concert to rehearse for, a trip to New York to prepare and pay for, the Chamber Music Series at the UMFA to plan for fall, a degree to create, a show to write music for, and the longest shot of them all...trying to create an audition opportunity for a well known band. Let's do it! ;)

Repair

No one person can fix another. The fact that some try creates tension. Only the person that needs "fixing" can make the choices to put them on the right path.

Excitement

Excitement is truly an understatement. I am so happy and thrilled for all of my good friends and family that are finding both varying degrees of success and happiness. Hope and some proof that hard work and determination do pay off even if only in small ways. I'm really not counting my chickens before they're hatched, just super happy for others at this moment.

Keep up the good positive work and we'll show this universe who's boss.

Cross the Line, Redefine.

It's amazing how useless I can feel and yet be so busy at the same time. I'm consistently getting things I need done and pushing hard toward the future and yet, I feel like I can't be of any help to anyone else. This is frustrating. I know that I need to take care of myself before I can help anyone else, it's just highly frustrating because that's where a lot of my happiness comes from is helping others and providing some service to others.

Maybe we're all just too caught up in our own selfish lives to look around and help each other? But a little company, a little "Hello, how ya doin today" does go a long way. I know that I've said this before on this blog but it's so amazing at how true and how painful it can be when no one says it for days...weeks on end.

I remember this one time in my life where I went for more than two years with nothing more than a handshake of physical contact. At that point, although it was highly frustrating and painful at times, it ended being one of the most eye opening profound moments of my life. Not sure that'll happen again, cause the chances of anything happening the same way twice is pretty slim. But here's to not choosing to make a choice in this matter and seeing how the cookies crumble.

Working on patience and focus. Oddly enough these two traits tend to work against each other so it's exponentially harder within the walls of the gates to my brain.

My goal with this project (in my head) is to help people/performers push their boundaries a little, not enough to completely freak them out but mostly to help them gently cross that line of comfort zone into the unknown and then redefine what makes them uncomfortable at that point. You'd be amazed at what we're all capable of once you work through this process.

Focus and Patience

I wonder mostly, if the decisions that are the hardest are worth the pain and stress? I work hard to stay involved and yet still miss the most important moments. I wonder if I will ever have time to relax and enjoy a family or even make a family. Never felt more alone than I do laying next to the one I love. What's wrong with this picture? I've been asked to put my heart on hold and it is by far the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Is it worth the heart ache to hope to one day have a life worth living with the only one who can make my heart flutter. I know that I need to focus on certain things these days but what's the point if I don't have someone to share it with. As I venture farther down the rabbit hole and gain moment toward my goals and success I find myself more and more alone. Unsure of the path that lay in front me, I continue forward with hope that it will make sense at some point even if its udderly absurd to those around me. I know there are monumentous changes on the horizon but am I ready for these changes, can I ever be fully prepared for what's around the corner? So many questions that can not be answered without inner reflection. Its time to reclaim what once was mine. Focus and patience.

Good enough

Wondering if I am, for you?

What to do...

Music comes out at the most in-opportune times but when they do, such beautiful things come out. Even though my life is slowly decaying I can still sit at a piano and play your tune. Re-focus to what matters.

Enter by Form. Exit by Form

I was once in a place where time seemed to stop and nothing could interfere. In the next few months (throughout the rest of my life) I intend to find a similar space to occupy because that of the time that was is no longer achievable. That was that moment, on to find the next. Awareness has fallen by the wayside, it's time to bring it back to the forefront where I can focus and regain another moment of clarity. No more half hearted achievements, as my sound stems from my soul so shall the rest of my life. Life is an art form. I strive to be open and aware; to ascend the bonds of materialism, capitalism...consumerism! What I have and, where I am going is my focus. I am willing to die for my music, plunging into the life of the naive creativity that surrounds us. My cup is empty.

Support

Support is so important. A simple, "Hey there how's it going," would do wonders from the person you love.

A little insight into my world, my perception of time is very different than the average persons, at least I think. Minutes for me seem like hours, hours feel like days and days feel like weeks. Weeks feel like an eternity especially when not supported. I need to make sure not to offend, there are people that help support me in other ways but the one person I need it from won't waiver.

I feel like I'm about to have a bomb dropped on me from a 50 story building, not a bomb that goes BOOM! but a dud that just goes...Squish! It may be time to crust over again and take a long (eternal) break from loving anything or anyone again. Frustrating because my passion has never and will never leave me, which is what makes this hurt so much more. Will try to redirect into something more positive....we'll see.

Purpose

I do what I do simply because I have to. The choice of doing anything else is non-existent. Some would argue that we all have a choice. Although this is true I refrain from denying my inner-happiness. So many others have shelved their dreams to maintain material desires, instant gratification. Don't complain about not being happy if you're not willing to do what it takes, what it truly takes to achieve your dreams. What are you willing to give up to have unlimited happiness. I'm willing to do anything to achieve my happiness and live my life the way my soul sends me. Hard times have come, hard times have gone and will continue to ebb and flow throughout the span of the universe. The only way to truly make a mark is to fight for your dreams and never give up. I'm here because I was meant to be, and I intend to make something of it. It's time to listen, truly listen and dive head first into my purpose.

Listening

I've spent most of my life listening; to other people's conversations, problems, loves, hates, desires... When its time I have found a voice of my own to share with the world. What will I say? So much emotion to express, so many experiences to share yet the voice is still lingering in the darkness of the wings. Waiting only for the light to focus and shed a glare on the path. Instead of waiting and watching I've opened my ears to the possibility of something new. Subject matter may still be the same as always but the medium will take shape as something new and unheard. Time to see if anyone else is listening to hear what I have to say.