I know that I just posted a piece but I feel that this has to be said as well. For those of you who think you know me and for those of you who don't know me at all... I don't have regrets. I hold strong to the belief that everything, every action, every decision makes us who we are. Therefore why would I regret anything that has gotten me to where I'm at in my life?
There have been good decisions, there have been bad decisions....there have been REALLY bad decisions but they are mine nonetheless. I expect you to accept me for who I am and realize that I'm in a constant state of change and growth, because I will do the same for you.
Life is changing, how you react and deal with it is all you.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Unique Perception
When it rains it fucking pours. Not only literally right now, it's been raining on and off for a week now, but in my life as well.
Interesting that quite consistently throughout my life when things are looking up and start to build momentum another part of my life completely hits a brick wall and falls apart. I seem to be lacking some of the common sense skills needed to succeed in life (or maybe just relationships) but I'm doing the best I can with what I have. Stating the obvious here, any smart person would continue focusing on the part of their life that is positive and building momentum. The problem is that I will be broken and spend time mourning the loss (or possible loss, don't really know yet) in my life and the momentum will have faded. I've worked really hard to not become a complete cynic but this might just push me over the line. It may be time to become a recluse and just focus on taking control and really pushing through to make opportunities happen.
Pretty sure that I see things in such a unique way that it pushes people away? Seems that for pursuing my dreams at any cost I'm viewed as crazy, heartless, or even mean at times. My intention is not to hurt anyone along the way, although I do realize that casualties will happen. I do not intentionally go out of my way to hurt anyone, ever! My only ruse is a positive one that is intended to involve those I care about in the happenings of my life.
As per usual, it's time to re-focus on what's important and try to give my actions purpose instead of flailing around aimlessly. I've got a Utah Wind Symphony concert to rehearse for, a trip to New York to prepare and pay for, the Chamber Music Series at the UMFA to plan for fall, a degree to create, a show to write music for, and the longest shot of them all...trying to create an audition opportunity for a well known band. Let's do it! ;)
Interesting that quite consistently throughout my life when things are looking up and start to build momentum another part of my life completely hits a brick wall and falls apart. I seem to be lacking some of the common sense skills needed to succeed in life (or maybe just relationships) but I'm doing the best I can with what I have. Stating the obvious here, any smart person would continue focusing on the part of their life that is positive and building momentum. The problem is that I will be broken and spend time mourning the loss (or possible loss, don't really know yet) in my life and the momentum will have faded. I've worked really hard to not become a complete cynic but this might just push me over the line. It may be time to become a recluse and just focus on taking control and really pushing through to make opportunities happen.
Pretty sure that I see things in such a unique way that it pushes people away? Seems that for pursuing my dreams at any cost I'm viewed as crazy, heartless, or even mean at times. My intention is not to hurt anyone along the way, although I do realize that casualties will happen. I do not intentionally go out of my way to hurt anyone, ever! My only ruse is a positive one that is intended to involve those I care about in the happenings of my life.
As per usual, it's time to re-focus on what's important and try to give my actions purpose instead of flailing around aimlessly. I've got a Utah Wind Symphony concert to rehearse for, a trip to New York to prepare and pay for, the Chamber Music Series at the UMFA to plan for fall, a degree to create, a show to write music for, and the longest shot of them all...trying to create an audition opportunity for a well known band. Let's do it! ;)
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Repair
No one person can fix another. The fact that some try creates tension. Only the person that needs "fixing" can make the choices to put them on the right path.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Excitement
Excitement is truly an understatement. I am so happy and thrilled for all of my good friends and family that are finding both varying degrees of success and happiness. Hope and some proof that hard work and determination do pay off even if only in small ways. I'm really not counting my chickens before they're hatched, just super happy for others at this moment.
Keep up the good positive work and we'll show this universe who's boss.
Keep up the good positive work and we'll show this universe who's boss.
Friday, May 13, 2011
Cross the Line, Redefine.
It's amazing how useless I can feel and yet be so busy at the same time. I'm consistently getting things I need done and pushing hard toward the future and yet, I feel like I can't be of any help to anyone else. This is frustrating. I know that I need to take care of myself before I can help anyone else, it's just highly frustrating because that's where a lot of my happiness comes from is helping others and providing some service to others.
Maybe we're all just too caught up in our own selfish lives to look around and help each other? But a little company, a little "Hello, how ya doin today" does go a long way. I know that I've said this before on this blog but it's so amazing at how true and how painful it can be when no one says it for days...weeks on end.
I remember this one time in my life where I went for more than two years with nothing more than a handshake of physical contact. At that point, although it was highly frustrating and painful at times, it ended being one of the most eye opening profound moments of my life. Not sure that'll happen again, cause the chances of anything happening the same way twice is pretty slim. But here's to not choosing to make a choice in this matter and seeing how the cookies crumble.
Working on patience and focus. Oddly enough these two traits tend to work against each other so it's exponentially harder within the walls of the gates to my brain.
My goal with this project (in my head) is to help people/performers push their boundaries a little, not enough to completely freak them out but mostly to help them gently cross that line of comfort zone into the unknown and then redefine what makes them uncomfortable at that point. You'd be amazed at what we're all capable of once you work through this process.
Maybe we're all just too caught up in our own selfish lives to look around and help each other? But a little company, a little "Hello, how ya doin today" does go a long way. I know that I've said this before on this blog but it's so amazing at how true and how painful it can be when no one says it for days...weeks on end.
I remember this one time in my life where I went for more than two years with nothing more than a handshake of physical contact. At that point, although it was highly frustrating and painful at times, it ended being one of the most eye opening profound moments of my life. Not sure that'll happen again, cause the chances of anything happening the same way twice is pretty slim. But here's to not choosing to make a choice in this matter and seeing how the cookies crumble.
Working on patience and focus. Oddly enough these two traits tend to work against each other so it's exponentially harder within the walls of the gates to my brain.
My goal with this project (in my head) is to help people/performers push their boundaries a little, not enough to completely freak them out but mostly to help them gently cross that line of comfort zone into the unknown and then redefine what makes them uncomfortable at that point. You'd be amazed at what we're all capable of once you work through this process.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Focus and Patience
I wonder mostly, if the decisions that are the hardest are worth the pain and stress? I work hard to stay involved and yet still miss the most important moments. I wonder if I will ever have time to relax and enjoy a family or even make a family. Never felt more alone than I do laying next to the one I love. What's wrong with this picture? I've been asked to put my heart on hold and it is by far the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Is it worth the heart ache to hope to one day have a life worth living with the only one who can make my heart flutter. I know that I need to focus on certain things these days but what's the point if I don't have someone to share it with. As I venture farther down the rabbit hole and gain moment toward my goals and success I find myself more and more alone. Unsure of the path that lay in front me, I continue forward with hope that it will make sense at some point even if its udderly absurd to those around me. I know there are monumentous changes on the horizon but am I ready for these changes, can I ever be fully prepared for what's around the corner? So many questions that can not be answered without inner reflection. Its time to reclaim what once was mine. Focus and patience.
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