Enter by Form. Exit by Form

I was once in a place where time seemed to stop and nothing could interfere. In the next few months (throughout the rest of my life) I intend to find a similar space to occupy because that of the time that was is no longer achievable. That was that moment, on to find the next. Awareness has fallen by the wayside, it's time to bring it back to the forefront where I can focus and regain another moment of clarity. No more half hearted achievements, as my sound stems from my soul so shall the rest of my life. Life is an art form. I strive to be open and aware; to ascend the bonds of materialism, capitalism...consumerism! What I have and, where I am going is my focus. I am willing to die for my music, plunging into the life of the naive creativity that surrounds us. My cup is empty.

Support

Support is so important. A simple, "Hey there how's it going," would do wonders from the person you love.

A little insight into my world, my perception of time is very different than the average persons, at least I think. Minutes for me seem like hours, hours feel like days and days feel like weeks. Weeks feel like an eternity especially when not supported. I need to make sure not to offend, there are people that help support me in other ways but the one person I need it from won't waiver.

I feel like I'm about to have a bomb dropped on me from a 50 story building, not a bomb that goes BOOM! but a dud that just goes...Squish! It may be time to crust over again and take a long (eternal) break from loving anything or anyone again. Frustrating because my passion has never and will never leave me, which is what makes this hurt so much more. Will try to redirect into something more positive....we'll see.

Purpose

I do what I do simply because I have to. The choice of doing anything else is non-existent. Some would argue that we all have a choice. Although this is true I refrain from denying my inner-happiness. So many others have shelved their dreams to maintain material desires, instant gratification. Don't complain about not being happy if you're not willing to do what it takes, what it truly takes to achieve your dreams. What are you willing to give up to have unlimited happiness. I'm willing to do anything to achieve my happiness and live my life the way my soul sends me. Hard times have come, hard times have gone and will continue to ebb and flow throughout the span of the universe. The only way to truly make a mark is to fight for your dreams and never give up. I'm here because I was meant to be, and I intend to make something of it. It's time to listen, truly listen and dive head first into my purpose.

Listening

I've spent most of my life listening; to other people's conversations, problems, loves, hates, desires... When its time I have found a voice of my own to share with the world. What will I say? So much emotion to express, so many experiences to share yet the voice is still lingering in the darkness of the wings. Waiting only for the light to focus and shed a glare on the path. Instead of waiting and watching I've opened my ears to the possibility of something new. Subject matter may still be the same as always but the medium will take shape as something new and unheard. Time to see if anyone else is listening to hear what I have to say.

How are you?

This question has been asked a lot lately by people in passsing, aquaintances, friends, people I know through slight interaction. And they all ask in passing if everything is ok, how are you? But I get the disturbing feeling that none of them truly mean in.

So many people in this world are willing to offer up help in the form of words but when it truly comes down to the necessity of an action, they're nowhere to be found. How is it that anyone is supposed to succeed in this world if the only way to truly succeed is through higher education (College) but only those who go to college can afford to or have family to support them through it.

I'm getting the distinct feeling that someone or something in the universe doesn't want me to go through school and get close to succeeding. Does this mean that I'm closer to what I'm meant to do and the evils of the world are trying to keep me from it or does this mean that I'm just simply walking down the wrong path? All I do know is that I can't financially or emotionally afford to continue down the same path anymore. Something has to give and not having a place to live is a big incentive to sell everything I have to stay afloat and figure something out elsewhere. I can't help but think though that this is just another obstacle or hurdle to jump over to get to my end goal. Which raises the question how far beyond the limits of sanity are we willing to venture before it's too late or before we succeed in our goals?

Just a few of the many thoughts and reactions I've had over the past few weeks/months of digging deeper and deeper, trying to do the right thing and continue along the only path that seems worthy of my skills, passions and desires. I've come so far already. I can almost taste the end, but every step I take ends up putting me two steps backward and last time I checked the best motion toward a goal is forward not backward.

What to do, What to do?

I wonder if the path I'm on is the right one? There are signs along the way either lighting the path or taking you astray. Have the signs that I've been seeing simply leading me away from the true path that I should be following?

I know that all I feel in this universe, in this life is the awkwardly strong pull to create. I'm not sure if part of my path is to show others how to create or not? The idea of walking away from the last two years of education seems a little selfish in that I wouldn't be doing the "right" thing for future generations but would be doing what's right for me? A walking contradiction, I know that I can't make everyone happy, hell I know that I can't make anyone happy but myself. But how to know whether to change the path or keep walking. I would hate to waste anymore time walking someone else's path instead of directly walking toward my goals? At what point does doing something that feels wrong, become the wrong path?

The Feeling

When you hold me it's as if it's meant to be, it's as if it means something. All my worries disappear and the world seems to open up. It feels right, my creativity has sky rocketed in the last few days being away. I feel more calm more in touch with the world around me, ready to take on anything. This surprises me because it's been so long and so much has take place, but if it's mean to be it will be.

I am patient and have lots to do, as well as you. But I do crave that feeling, that warmth, that softness that is all encompassing. I wish for it, but all I can do is focus on the tasks at hand and wait and see.

When you hold me, it means something.