The Unintentional Three-Way

The problem in my life, well in my relationships is that I've unknowingly been involved in a three-way. How can you unknowingly be involved in a three-way you say? All of these years the relationships I've tried so hard to make work have in fact been taken over by this three-way and ultimately destroyed in the end.

For anyone who has experienced a three-way in a sexual relationship will understand how awkward, confusing, and emotionally painful they can be. My Awkward Three-Way is really no different. You can never really figure out where everyone is supposed to be, or how everything fits together, there really is never enough room for everyone, and someone's feelings always get hurt.

The difference is that mine has been going on for twenty years. Because its not a hot and steamy moment of excitement. It is a long standing battle where ground can be gained and lost on either side but there is no winner. The first of the three is my self, of course. I've been in my own life active for upwards of twenty five years now trying to do the right thing and follow my dreams.

The second, my first love, is my passion for creativity. Everything from playing drums, to writing music, to even just simply sitting down at my computer and writing my thoughts down on paper. Creativity has brought me more joy and happiness than any other one thing in this world. And the great part is that it doesn't judge me when I do something right or wrong. Its just there when I need it. So I do my best to nurture my creativity. I've spent many long nights wrapped up with it watching the stars and contemplating my place in the universe. I've even met a person or two who have helped me develop my creativity over the years.

There are times when its harder to find my creativity than others and thats due to the third party in this three-way. I didn't really know it was there for many years and therefore was confused and frustrated when I couldn't find my creative path. Depression can be a volatile and cranky monster and really doesn't like when its ignored for undefined periods of time. I've only recently, in the past ten years or so, really began to deal with and understand what my depression is made of. You can only begin to deal with something like depression when you understand it. Once I accepted that it was in my life and not going anywhere any time soon it was easier to pick apart.

But unlike creativity where its easy to dive in head first and fully immerse yourself in the warm glow of its love and easily jump in and out, depression is a much more sticky tar-like substance where once you're in you're staying for a while. There have been times where I've taken that depression and wrapped myself up and not planned on escaping. But luckily and by my own bull-headedness I have decided to unwrap that blanket of darkness and find my way to the light once in a while.

Like any good relationship its all about balance. I can balance the light and the dark, the good and the bad within what I know. But what happens when another is introduced? I like having a companion to cuddle with, talk to, and care for. But how do you introduce a new personality into an already volatile three-way of emotions. When the balancing of three very strong personalities is already taking up 99% of your day, how do you find time to handle an extra person?

"My alcoholism will be with me until the day I die, and it will go to the grave with me. My band, my friends, my family, my wife-none of them will be there, peering up at the coffin lid, waiting for the worm party to begin..." D. Randall Blythe talking about his addiction in his book Dark Days. My three-way never really made sense until I recently read these words. How he personifies his addiction  by saying you can't just tell it to go away is the best way I've found to describe my relationship with my passion (creativity) and my downfall (depression).

But between my first love and my second downfall how can there ever be enough time, energy, or room for a so called "normal" relationship. The idea of a normal relationship goes well beyond what I'm capable of but for arguments sake we'll use that term for now. I mean, three-ways are messy enough without including a fourth party to get tangled in the web of miscommunication.

Will there ever be room enough for a true relationship? I don't know. But what I do know is that having really good reliable friends is the best solution. Because its easier to hear from friends that you're full of shit and you need to pull your head out of your ass rather than the person you're sleeping with.  I don't know who I will meet or be with along the way. But to those who cross my path whether for a short time or longer, understand that you are not the first priority in my life. As hard as that may be to grasp, you don't have a choice in the matter.