Listening

I've spent most of my life listening; to other people's conversations, problems, loves, hates, desires... When its time I have found a voice of my own to share with the world. What will I say? So much emotion to express, so many experiences to share yet the voice is still lingering in the darkness of the wings. Waiting only for the light to focus and shed a glare on the path. Instead of waiting and watching I've opened my ears to the possibility of something new. Subject matter may still be the same as always but the medium will take shape as something new and unheard. Time to see if anyone else is listening to hear what I have to say.

How are you?

This question has been asked a lot lately by people in passsing, aquaintances, friends, people I know through slight interaction. And they all ask in passing if everything is ok, how are you? But I get the disturbing feeling that none of them truly mean in.

So many people in this world are willing to offer up help in the form of words but when it truly comes down to the necessity of an action, they're nowhere to be found. How is it that anyone is supposed to succeed in this world if the only way to truly succeed is through higher education (College) but only those who go to college can afford to or have family to support them through it.

I'm getting the distinct feeling that someone or something in the universe doesn't want me to go through school and get close to succeeding. Does this mean that I'm closer to what I'm meant to do and the evils of the world are trying to keep me from it or does this mean that I'm just simply walking down the wrong path? All I do know is that I can't financially or emotionally afford to continue down the same path anymore. Something has to give and not having a place to live is a big incentive to sell everything I have to stay afloat and figure something out elsewhere. I can't help but think though that this is just another obstacle or hurdle to jump over to get to my end goal. Which raises the question how far beyond the limits of sanity are we willing to venture before it's too late or before we succeed in our goals?

Just a few of the many thoughts and reactions I've had over the past few weeks/months of digging deeper and deeper, trying to do the right thing and continue along the only path that seems worthy of my skills, passions and desires. I've come so far already. I can almost taste the end, but every step I take ends up putting me two steps backward and last time I checked the best motion toward a goal is forward not backward.

What to do, What to do?

I wonder if the path I'm on is the right one? There are signs along the way either lighting the path or taking you astray. Have the signs that I've been seeing simply leading me away from the true path that I should be following?

I know that all I feel in this universe, in this life is the awkwardly strong pull to create. I'm not sure if part of my path is to show others how to create or not? The idea of walking away from the last two years of education seems a little selfish in that I wouldn't be doing the "right" thing for future generations but would be doing what's right for me? A walking contradiction, I know that I can't make everyone happy, hell I know that I can't make anyone happy but myself. But how to know whether to change the path or keep walking. I would hate to waste anymore time walking someone else's path instead of directly walking toward my goals? At what point does doing something that feels wrong, become the wrong path?

The Feeling

When you hold me it's as if it's meant to be, it's as if it means something. All my worries disappear and the world seems to open up. It feels right, my creativity has sky rocketed in the last few days being away. I feel more calm more in touch with the world around me, ready to take on anything. This surprises me because it's been so long and so much has take place, but if it's mean to be it will be.

I am patient and have lots to do, as well as you. But I do crave that feeling, that warmth, that softness that is all encompassing. I wish for it, but all I can do is focus on the tasks at hand and wait and see.

When you hold me, it means something.

The Path

Through all of the learning that I've done so far in life, the most important thing I've discovered for myself....find your own path.

Watching so many people in the world fight, kill and ultimately destroy over simple ideas that the worlds religions are based on. In studying the general ideas of these religions or belief systems that the majority of the world follow I've come to learn that they all are based on similar basic ideals.

The overall general theme, whether it be enlightenment in life or after death they all have the same goal, Spiritual Enlightenment. What I've come to understand and is the reason for writing this today is that all of the religions and all of the beliefs in the world mean nothing if you can't find your own path. Jesus, Buddha, Muhammad....all found their own way. These people, who in fact were at one point or another just people, have set out their path before you to help you on your journey. We can not walk the same path of another and achieve the same experience, be sure to find and walk your own path but remember those who have come before and learn from those before you, take in stride the teachings of everyone but most importantly learn and make choices for yourself. Stand on the shoulders of your teachers.

Find your own path and walk it.

There's a Reason for it.

I feel as if there's something, life, the universe or maybe just my subconscious trying to tell me something. No matter what I try to do everything seems to be bad timing, even more precious because I'm a drummer, but any time I try to go out with friends or simply find a date..Nothing seems to line up. Perhaps there's a reason for me being secluded away from everything and everyone that can help me have fun or simply relax. I do believe that everything happens for a reason whether understood or not, but I'll be honest and say that it's getting frustrating this time round. Maybe I'm trying to hard.

How can I make more time for the necessary things in life...balance. I need to balance my heart, my mind and my soul without this there's nothing.

I am a contradiction in terms.

It's time to reset. For a moment or two I've lapsed in judgment. I've been drawn to you without rhyme or reason, not sure of my pursuance or need for persistence. Living so close yet so far away it seems as though we're in different galaxies. The universe draws me in different directions for different reasons, mostly for unclear reasons. Honesty is the only release for me at this point in my life, nothing else can satisfy.

I realize that I'm paddling upstream, but a little bit of trust and faith on your side can create such a wonderful, positive motion forward. Bad timing seems to be the bane of my existence, always coming in at the most inopportune time when you're trying to finalize, I'm working on initializing!

My denial of the word "can't" forces me to create abstract worlds where literally anything is possible. Why I can't decipher the difference is baffling to me, setting myself up for disappointment in the most painful ways. This, contradicting my overall philosophy of not setting up expectations?