Such a Flirt

People who speak so highly of love and caring sure do dismiss it quickly. 

Tinkerbell, my ex's family dog, a Great Dane passed away earlier this week. Over the years of getting to know my ex and her family I also got to know their dogs and if you understand they are without a doubt members of the family. 

Every time I visited or house sat, tinkerbell was the first to greet me barking from the living room window and upon entering the door was the first to bowl me over or give me lashings with her tail. She was such a flirt asking for belly rubs and then equally as demanding of my attention more than the four others dogs in the house. She always had to sit next to me on the couch regardless of who was there she would push them aside to sit next to me. As with all of that family I love them and with time they became my family. 

Now what's truly amazing to me is that after all that has been said and done over the years I truly had a closer relationship with these dogs than I did with my own father, although that's a whole different story. Yet even when my dad died someone managed to tell me. When I found out, through social media, that tinkerbell had passed I was heart broken, but also furious. What I wouldn't have given to give her one more hug! 

Even after a break up, where it's clear we both have different directions in life, you can still care for each other and families.  I Guess trying to block any interaction is easier than dealing with the emotions at hand. But I've never once tried to block, delete, throw away, or forget any part of my life with you and your family. I embrace and cherish the time we spent together. I hope for nothing but the best for you and your family, puppies and all.

Dreams and Relationships

A dream is like a relationship, always giving and taking. But as people change over time so do relationships. Some adjust and compromise others end and some end one part of a relationship and continue another. For instance, just because you’re not intimate with someone anymore doesn’t mean you can’t still have conversations and perhaps even a friendship with them. There’s this idea that once a “serious” relationship ends that everything about the other person needs to be deleted, thrown away, in some way destroyed. Perhaps because it hurts to be reminded of what you once had. But what if instead of being upset that it doesn’t exist anymore we could just focus on the fact that it happened and was a part of our life, no matter how big or small? Now, maybe it’s not the best idea to be friends with your ex-significant other. There are a thousand reasons this is a bad idea. But for my purposes and experience this is a real possibility.

I have been in love with an idea, a dream, for longer than I can honestly remember. But now that I’m much older and spent the majority of my life, so far, pursuing that dream with every ounce of my soul, I have changed. And for longer than I should have allowed I have been in a one-sided relationship. Unrequited love is the most damaging. Reciprocation is the foundation of any relationship, without it we are just indulging in self-torture. As I have changed and evolved so have my ideas of love, loss, and now dreams.

While my dreams still remain relevant, my desire to pursue them has altered to a path that will allow me to steer away from a series of self-destructive codependent relationships. I have many dreams to pursue and have for the far too long put aside most of them in pursuit of one single goal. As is reflected in my work, I aspire not be just one thing but many. Happiness is a state of mind, a choice that we can choose daily. The following decisions are made on my own accord, uninfluenced directly by any single outside source.

My happiness hinges on a handful of factors of which, until recently, I thought were mostly out of my control. But it turns out that I have a say in where I live and what I do. This may seem a bit silly but for longer than I can remember I’ve pursued one single dream, an idea that has lead me to many places and exciting things but has dictated these factors until now.

I have experienced a level of acceptance and appreciation like never before. It was the first time in a very long time that I felt at home. After I left even returning to the place that most would call home, the place where I grew up, I still feel a longing for that appreciation and acceptance.

I’ve spent a lot of years surviving and pride myself on being so adaptable to any situation that I can survive anywhere. But, to be honest, I’m tired of surviving. I want to thrive and the only way I see myself thriving is with a foundation built on positive influence, which comes from the people that we surround ourselves with. Since the majority of our lives are spent at work and working, I figure I should spend my life working with people I enjoy and appreciate and who can reciprocate. 

I have no regrets because the choices we make form us into who we are, day-to-day through the entirety of our lives. Having no regrets doesn’t mean I don’t make bad decisions because I sure do, it means that regardless of a decision’s positive or negative outcome I accept it as my own.

Control

From the beginning it's always been about control. You couldn't let go. Even the minuscule events in each day became monumental in destroying our future because you wouldn't allow any compromise of control. What you said and what you showed were two different things. Partners help steer the ship to allow time for rest and comfort but you always had to be in control, even of the things you can't control. And that, was our downfall.

I was willing and had already compromised most of my self-worth to try to understand your path and walk beside you. Oh the countless sleepless nights, but it wasn't enough for you. I wasn't good enough. I should have seen it from the start. I was blinded by a throbbing loving heart, that nothing would ever be good enough, for you.

I never tried to fix anything because I know the issues we both have can not be repaired but only mistakes to be learned from. I only tried to get you to see a different point of view. Because then maybe perhaps there would be a future for us together, beyond what either of us had comprehended.

Even still, after all that we've been through, I miss you.

My Father is dying

When we were kids we heard many times, “at some point in your life you will know someone that has died of cancer.” That’s how common cancer was twenty, thirty years ago. At this point I have almost lost track of how many people I know very personally that have died of some form of cancer, that’s not taking into consideration those that fought and have lived to tell the tale.

Now, a new year is born and already I have to prepare myself for the inevitable outcome that my estranged father has brain tumors and lay in a coma with no discernable future. A number of, impossible to manage, emotions come flooding in and start to take over. Among them the idea that most of the people I have known to have or fight cancer are from my family, I now have to take into account whether or not brain tumors are hereditary or just a cause of his lifestyle and environment.

I have no way of knowing if it’s hereditary. See we know nothing of my father’s biological family because the one person that knew who his family was (his adopted mother) has literally taken that information to her grave. So now, for medical history, we have nothing but my father’s life to start with hereditary diseases and diagnoses, which in and of itself is a thorny maze of misconception and misdiagnosis of an array of problems.

After years of working to stay in contact, all I wanted was to know his story. Told from his perspective. Because in the end it doesn’t matter what others perceived as his story the only real truth is the one he lived, his perception on life. I want to know every paranoid, schizophrenic, manic-depressed, bipolar detail. If nothing else for my own safety and well being, but to know the truth would be pivotal in building my future.

I’ve spent years trying to understand myself and my interactions with the world. And I understand that most of that has to do with my experiences in my environment. But, I also know that a big part of who we are and how we develop is from genetics. I mean there’s something to be said about the fact that I have never really been afraid of many physical dangers.

But, since I can remember, I have always been afraid of social interactions, meeting people, talking to people on the telephone, asking for directions, etc.; the small things. Those are my hurdles everyday until the day I die. Since a very young age I came to terms with the fact that I might die tomorrow and my attitude toward that has always been, I’m not going to wait around for it I’m going to enjoy what I can while I can and pursue a life of happiness.

My point is if I can learn about my history then I can better prepare for the future.