What are you waiting for?

There is an idea that up until now has kept me moving forward toward goals and ultimately, happiness. There are legitimate reasons that explain the recent misery I’ve experienced. This idea rings through my head everyday and most days I have listened but lately I realized that I’ve been ignoring it.

If I die tomorrow, will I be happy with my place in the world today? Will I have made an impact on anyone? Will anyone remember me? I know that I have no control over when I die, because I choose to not take “that” control. I conceded many years ago that the time limit on my life will not be determined by me but by the chance of living and seeing how long I can fool death. But I do also realize that anything can happen at any time to anyone. This is why I make the decisions I do, up until recently at least.

Misery comes when you decide to ignore this idea and live life according to someone else’s ideas or goals. Why is this? No one can define your happiness but you. I know I know it’s a very selfish idea. But think about it in a realistic way. If the person/people that surround you and define your happiness right now were to part ways say, tomorrow would you continue doing the same things and living the same life? If you are not happy with yourself and/or your life, how do you expect to be happy with or for anyone else? Which, to my thinking, means that the opposite is true. If you live wholly and truthfully to your ideas and goals then happiness is inevitable.

Now, I’m not saying that you should follow your dreams at the expense of others’. But at the same time don’t let others make you feel guilty for following your dreams. Take responsibility for your actions but also hold others to their inactions. Usually if someone else is projecting their insecurities onto you and trying to inflict guilt its because they are not doing what they want in their own life. On the other hand, I’m willing to help others achieve their goals and find happiness but not at the expense of my own dreams and happiness. You should never have to shelve your dreams and desires because of someone else. If you choose to, that’s a different story.

Life is all about choices, including happiness. What most people don’t understand is that every single decision we make in life leads to the outcome. And most people make these decisions obliviously and then wonder 30 years down the road why they’re unhappy. Pay attention to your surroundings, be blatantly aware of how your choices affect your life and those around you, and most of all choose wisely those you spend your time with they will affect you more than you know.

Surround yourself with people that reflect that which you desire, live your life by your rules, and find a dream and never give up on it. What would you do with your last day on this earth? It might be today, what are you waiting for? On the day that I die I want to be able to look at my life and say, “I’m happy with the choices I made that led me here.” No matter how crazy or ridiculous others may say they are, follow your dreams to the ends of the earth and then go just a bit farther.

Why I hate Christmas!

Expectations, stress, guilt trips and well... people.

Aside from the pain inflicted on others fighting and killing each other for the newest coolest presents to give to their needy spoiled children that just have to have them, christmas is a grand holiday.

The level of expectations around the holidays but Christmas especially has gotten out of control. I remember growing up and hearing from everyone that “its about giving, not receiving.” But many times in the last few years I’ve been in a position where I could not give anything for the holidays. And guess what? I’ve never felt more like a failure. Because I feel guilty when people give me things and then I can’t return the gesture.

Guilt trips are something that started from when I was a young lad. My estranged father always slathered on the guilt trip around the holidays. He would always spend enormous amounts of money on extravagant presents and in return expect us to come stay with him. Constantly trying to buy our love, my dad invested tens of thousands of dollars on trying to buy his way into our lives. Only to find out later that that money was social security, disability money that was meant to be for my brother and I’s living expenses, college, etc. You know, defrauding the federal government out of thousands of dollars for more than ten years just to have it backfire and fail. My brother and I were smart enough to see the problems and steered clear for our own safety, likely not early enough to have caused some damage. But that’s neither here nor there.

Stress is a killer. I can feel it killing my will to live, my soul to love, and not so slowly my hopes and dreams. Life should not be this stressful or miserable for anyone. But then again the people we choose to spend time around define our environment. I remember being happy once. It was many years ago, long before a failed marriage, long before almost a decade in school and oodles of student loans. Where a controlled amount of responsibility was had and my interaction with people was limited to those I enjoyed spending my time with. The idea of “spending time” with people is just that. We have a limited supply of time in this life, you should never waste time spent with anyone. Invest your time into friends and relationships that enrich your life, if its not 100% positive or have some benefit for YOU then reconsider your investment. Yes, any relationship worth having takes some work but remember that it should also be an equalizing balance. If the scales begin to tip too far to one side or the other for far too long then tensions will take over and nothing will work, no matter how simple.

This usually comes down to expectations. One person expects more than the other or the expectation that was set from the beginning is impossible to maintain for years on end. This is the doing of people. People set expectations in their head of what they think something should be like and when reality doesn’t match it because we don’t live in a Hollywood movie those people get upset and frustrated that they’re not able to get what they want. This goes for all of us. We all have expectations of what we want out of life, but the reality of actually achieving what you want takes steps that most people are not able to comprehend or are not willing to take. Usually sacrifice on some level of some part of their life. The problem is that people are unhappily trying to fill this hole in their life by buying presents instead of making the sacrifices necessary to actually form happiness in their lives.

Last but most definitely not least. The holidays are a stark reminder of the people we have lost throughout the year. In my life, it seems, that at least once a year on or around christmas I lose a good friend or family member to the cold hand of the reaper. Death, as we know it, is not an uncommon thing. In fact we all have to come to grips with it at some point in our life, it is the one common denominator we all share. But, for anyone that has to deal with the holidays along with losing any member of their family because once you're friends with someone for long enough they become your family. Or for those of us that work in the music/production business, those we work with day in and day out are our brothers and sisters. Because when you spend day and night for weeks, months, or years on end with the same people you can't help but become family with them.

Family is what christmas is all about whether or not they're blood related or not.