Art of Living in the Pursuit of Happiness

I've prided myself for years on being an upstanding person. Honest and passionate about life and the pursuit of happiness. But at this point in my life, I find that I've fallen to the very bottom of a slippery slope that I’m not sure I can get myself out of.

Lying is one of the worst and most damaging things you can do to a person. I do not know why, but in the last 4-5 years I've been lying to myself which has translated into my personal life. I feel it best to come clean with myself and the world and try to find a way to climb out of this cavern of negativity.

What causes people to lie, what causes me to lie? Why would I intentionally hurt someone I love very much? The truth is, I've gone so far down the rabbit hole that I don’t always know what I’m saying and on many levels actually believe the lies I've told myself. One of the many reasons, its really just an excuse, is a survival. The last 5 years has been so frustrating and trying that I've had to lie to survive sometimes just as simply as lying to get some food, because it’s no fun going for very many days without food. Don’t get me wrong, I've had a lot of help along the way and I fully appreciate every bit of it. But, even then, it still takes its toll and sometimes you just have to do what you have to do.

I’m not happy about it, I’m definitely not proud of it. In fact, I beat myself up and feel guilty everyday because of it. I hate myself most days because of these things. Most of all I hate myself for hurting the one person that I love, truly and deeply.

Our connection was instant and from the beginning I didn't honor that and cherish that connection as I should have. I let my brain get involved in matters of the heart and that’s when everything started falling apart. I have no comprehension of the breadth of pain I've caused. Although I do know how it has affected me, changed me all I see is negativity. The only thing I should have ever done was make you laugh and smile, anything less is undeserving of your love. Madison, my darling girl, I love you beyond the ends of the universe. You bring so much light and love into my life. With the smallest smirk of a smile you can bring me out of the darkest hate-filled place. Your power is unmatched in this universe.

All I truly want is to be happy, deserving of your love, and able to accept your love. The truth is, I need help to repair the damage that has been done, I need a light to lead the way. Please be patient as I re-learn the art of living in the pursuit of happiness.