Control

From the beginning it's always been about control. You couldn't let go. Even the minuscule events in each day became monumental in destroying our future because you wouldn't allow any compromise of control. What you said and what you showed were two different things. Partners help steer the ship to allow time for rest and comfort but you always had to be in control, even of the things you can't control. And that, was our downfall.

I was willing and had already compromised most of my self-worth to try to understand your path and walk beside you. Oh the countless sleepless nights, but it wasn't enough for you. I wasn't good enough. I should have seen it from the start. I was blinded by a throbbing loving heart, that nothing would ever be good enough, for you.

I never tried to fix anything because I know the issues we both have can not be repaired but only mistakes to be learned from. I only tried to get you to see a different point of view. Because then maybe perhaps there would be a future for us together, beyond what either of us had comprehended.

Even still, after all that we've been through, I miss you.

My Father is dying

When we were kids we heard many times, “at some point in your life you will know someone that has died of cancer.” That’s how common cancer was twenty, thirty years ago. At this point I have almost lost track of how many people I know very personally that have died of some form of cancer, that’s not taking into consideration those that fought and have lived to tell the tale.

Now, a new year is born and already I have to prepare myself for the inevitable outcome that my estranged father has brain tumors and lay in a coma with no discernable future. A number of, impossible to manage, emotions come flooding in and start to take over. Among them the idea that most of the people I have known to have or fight cancer are from my family, I now have to take into account whether or not brain tumors are hereditary or just a cause of his lifestyle and environment.

I have no way of knowing if it’s hereditary. See we know nothing of my father’s biological family because the one person that knew who his family was (his adopted mother) has literally taken that information to her grave. So now, for medical history, we have nothing but my father’s life to start with hereditary diseases and diagnoses, which in and of itself is a thorny maze of misconception and misdiagnosis of an array of problems.

After years of working to stay in contact, all I wanted was to know his story. Told from his perspective. Because in the end it doesn’t matter what others perceived as his story the only real truth is the one he lived, his perception on life. I want to know every paranoid, schizophrenic, manic-depressed, bipolar detail. If nothing else for my own safety and well being, but to know the truth would be pivotal in building my future.

I’ve spent years trying to understand myself and my interactions with the world. And I understand that most of that has to do with my experiences in my environment. But, I also know that a big part of who we are and how we develop is from genetics. I mean there’s something to be said about the fact that I have never really been afraid of many physical dangers.

But, since I can remember, I have always been afraid of social interactions, meeting people, talking to people on the telephone, asking for directions, etc.; the small things. Those are my hurdles everyday until the day I die. Since a very young age I came to terms with the fact that I might die tomorrow and my attitude toward that has always been, I’m not going to wait around for it I’m going to enjoy what I can while I can and pursue a life of happiness.

My point is if I can learn about my history then I can better prepare for the future.

What are you waiting for?

There is an idea that up until now has kept me moving forward toward goals and ultimately, happiness. There are legitimate reasons that explain the recent misery I’ve experienced. This idea rings through my head everyday and most days I have listened but lately I realized that I’ve been ignoring it.

If I die tomorrow, will I be happy with my place in the world today? Will I have made an impact on anyone? Will anyone remember me? I know that I have no control over when I die, because I choose to not take “that” control. I conceded many years ago that the time limit on my life will not be determined by me but by the chance of living and seeing how long I can fool death. But I do also realize that anything can happen at any time to anyone. This is why I make the decisions I do, up until recently at least.

Misery comes when you decide to ignore this idea and live life according to someone else’s ideas or goals. Why is this? No one can define your happiness but you. I know I know it’s a very selfish idea. But think about it in a realistic way. If the person/people that surround you and define your happiness right now were to part ways say, tomorrow would you continue doing the same things and living the same life? If you are not happy with yourself and/or your life, how do you expect to be happy with or for anyone else? Which, to my thinking, means that the opposite is true. If you live wholly and truthfully to your ideas and goals then happiness is inevitable.

Now, I’m not saying that you should follow your dreams at the expense of others’. But at the same time don’t let others make you feel guilty for following your dreams. Take responsibility for your actions but also hold others to their inactions. Usually if someone else is projecting their insecurities onto you and trying to inflict guilt its because they are not doing what they want in their own life. On the other hand, I’m willing to help others achieve their goals and find happiness but not at the expense of my own dreams and happiness. You should never have to shelve your dreams and desires because of someone else. If you choose to, that’s a different story.

Life is all about choices, including happiness. What most people don’t understand is that every single decision we make in life leads to the outcome. And most people make these decisions obliviously and then wonder 30 years down the road why they’re unhappy. Pay attention to your surroundings, be blatantly aware of how your choices affect your life and those around you, and most of all choose wisely those you spend your time with they will affect you more than you know.

Surround yourself with people that reflect that which you desire, live your life by your rules, and find a dream and never give up on it. What would you do with your last day on this earth? It might be today, what are you waiting for? On the day that I die I want to be able to look at my life and say, “I’m happy with the choices I made that led me here.” No matter how crazy or ridiculous others may say they are, follow your dreams to the ends of the earth and then go just a bit farther.

Why I hate Christmas!

Expectations, stress, guilt trips and well... people.

Aside from the pain inflicted on others fighting and killing each other for the newest coolest presents to give to their needy spoiled children that just have to have them, christmas is a grand holiday.

The level of expectations around the holidays but Christmas especially has gotten out of control. I remember growing up and hearing from everyone that “its about giving, not receiving.” But many times in the last few years I’ve been in a position where I could not give anything for the holidays. And guess what? I’ve never felt more like a failure. Because I feel guilty when people give me things and then I can’t return the gesture.

Guilt trips are something that started from when I was a young lad. My estranged father always slathered on the guilt trip around the holidays. He would always spend enormous amounts of money on extravagant presents and in return expect us to come stay with him. Constantly trying to buy our love, my dad invested tens of thousands of dollars on trying to buy his way into our lives. Only to find out later that that money was social security, disability money that was meant to be for my brother and I’s living expenses, college, etc. You know, defrauding the federal government out of thousands of dollars for more than ten years just to have it backfire and fail. My brother and I were smart enough to see the problems and steered clear for our own safety, likely not early enough to have caused some damage. But that’s neither here nor there.

Stress is a killer. I can feel it killing my will to live, my soul to love, and not so slowly my hopes and dreams. Life should not be this stressful or miserable for anyone. But then again the people we choose to spend time around define our environment. I remember being happy once. It was many years ago, long before a failed marriage, long before almost a decade in school and oodles of student loans. Where a controlled amount of responsibility was had and my interaction with people was limited to those I enjoyed spending my time with. The idea of “spending time” with people is just that. We have a limited supply of time in this life, you should never waste time spent with anyone. Invest your time into friends and relationships that enrich your life, if its not 100% positive or have some benefit for YOU then reconsider your investment. Yes, any relationship worth having takes some work but remember that it should also be an equalizing balance. If the scales begin to tip too far to one side or the other for far too long then tensions will take over and nothing will work, no matter how simple.

This usually comes down to expectations. One person expects more than the other or the expectation that was set from the beginning is impossible to maintain for years on end. This is the doing of people. People set expectations in their head of what they think something should be like and when reality doesn’t match it because we don’t live in a Hollywood movie those people get upset and frustrated that they’re not able to get what they want. This goes for all of us. We all have expectations of what we want out of life, but the reality of actually achieving what you want takes steps that most people are not able to comprehend or are not willing to take. Usually sacrifice on some level of some part of their life. The problem is that people are unhappily trying to fill this hole in their life by buying presents instead of making the sacrifices necessary to actually form happiness in their lives.

Last but most definitely not least. The holidays are a stark reminder of the people we have lost throughout the year. In my life, it seems, that at least once a year on or around christmas I lose a good friend or family member to the cold hand of the reaper. Death, as we know it, is not an uncommon thing. In fact we all have to come to grips with it at some point in our life, it is the one common denominator we all share. But, for anyone that has to deal with the holidays along with losing any member of their family because once you're friends with someone for long enough they become your family. Or for those of us that work in the music/production business, those we work with day in and day out are our brothers and sisters. Because when you spend day and night for weeks, months, or years on end with the same people you can't help but become family with them.

Family is what christmas is all about whether or not they're blood related or not.

The Unintentional Three-Way

The problem in my life, well in my relationships is that I've unknowingly been involved in a three-way. How can you unknowingly be involved in a three-way you say? All of these years the relationships I've tried so hard to make work have in fact been taken over by this three-way and ultimately destroyed in the end.

For anyone who has experienced a three-way in a sexual relationship will understand how awkward, confusing, and emotionally painful they can be. My Awkward Three-Way is really no different. You can never really figure out where everyone is supposed to be, or how everything fits together, there really is never enough room for everyone, and someone's feelings always get hurt.

The difference is that mine has been going on for twenty years. Because its not a hot and steamy moment of excitement. It is a long standing battle where ground can be gained and lost on either side but there is no winner. The first of the three is my self, of course. I've been in my own life active for upwards of twenty five years now trying to do the right thing and follow my dreams.

The second, my first love, is my passion for creativity. Everything from playing drums, to writing music, to even just simply sitting down at my computer and writing my thoughts down on paper. Creativity has brought me more joy and happiness than any other one thing in this world. And the great part is that it doesn't judge me when I do something right or wrong. Its just there when I need it. So I do my best to nurture my creativity. I've spent many long nights wrapped up with it watching the stars and contemplating my place in the universe. I've even met a person or two who have helped me develop my creativity over the years.

There are times when its harder to find my creativity than others and thats due to the third party in this three-way. I didn't really know it was there for many years and therefore was confused and frustrated when I couldn't find my creative path. Depression can be a volatile and cranky monster and really doesn't like when its ignored for undefined periods of time. I've only recently, in the past ten years or so, really began to deal with and understand what my depression is made of. You can only begin to deal with something like depression when you understand it. Once I accepted that it was in my life and not going anywhere any time soon it was easier to pick apart.

But unlike creativity where its easy to dive in head first and fully immerse yourself in the warm glow of its love and easily jump in and out, depression is a much more sticky tar-like substance where once you're in you're staying for a while. There have been times where I've taken that depression and wrapped myself up and not planned on escaping. But luckily and by my own bull-headedness I have decided to unwrap that blanket of darkness and find my way to the light once in a while.

Like any good relationship its all about balance. I can balance the light and the dark, the good and the bad within what I know. But what happens when another is introduced? I like having a companion to cuddle with, talk to, and care for. But how do you introduce a new personality into an already volatile three-way of emotions. When the balancing of three very strong personalities is already taking up 99% of your day, how do you find time to handle an extra person?

"My alcoholism will be with me until the day I die, and it will go to the grave with me. My band, my friends, my family, my wife-none of them will be there, peering up at the coffin lid, waiting for the worm party to begin..." D. Randall Blythe talking about his addiction in his book Dark Days. My three-way never really made sense until I recently read these words. How he personifies his addiction  by saying you can't just tell it to go away is the best way I've found to describe my relationship with my passion (creativity) and my downfall (depression).

But between my first love and my second downfall how can there ever be enough time, energy, or room for a so called "normal" relationship. The idea of a normal relationship goes well beyond what I'm capable of but for arguments sake we'll use that term for now. I mean, three-ways are messy enough without including a fourth party to get tangled in the web of miscommunication.

Will there ever be room enough for a true relationship? I don't know. But what I do know is that having really good reliable friends is the best solution. Because its easier to hear from friends that you're full of shit and you need to pull your head out of your ass rather than the person you're sleeping with.  I don't know who I will meet or be with along the way. But to those who cross my path whether for a short time or longer, understand that you are not the first priority in my life. As hard as that may be to grasp, you don't have a choice in the matter.

I Need a Friend, Unbiased and Honest

My needs are basic. I feel like I’ve had my share of experiences in life. I’ve had more than enough time to figure out what I like and what I don’t. But more importantly I have spent the time necessary to learn what I need out of life. Now, we’re not talking the basics of eating, drinking, and having a roof over my head. Those are survival needs that are generally the same for everyone. I’m talking about basic needs for happiness. I’m a fan of keeping it simple and stripped down. My needs are as follows: Friends, Drums, and Tattoos.

As I often like to work backward to see things from a different perspective, we start with Tattoos. For most of our culture tattoos are not seen as a necessity, unless of course you’re trying to survive in prison. But for me they are a form of therapy; a right of passage, if you will, from one period of my life into the next. The pain of my tattoos is a grand distraction from the pain of reality. Giving me the time to heal alongside my newly earned artwork. We all have growing pains, mine are just prettier than yours.

Drums are another side of therapy because how often do you get to hit things for hours a day and not get arrested? Aside from the physical outlet it’s very much an emotional one as well. No matter how hard my day has been or what kind of stress I’m dealing with, it all disappears by the end of the woodshedding. For me, it’s also a spiritual experience. Because no matter how large or small the world may seem when I’m in the middle of speeding sticks around the drums, I can feel every millisecond of time passing as if they were hours, allowing me to really see how big the universe really is. All the space between each note just allows for more space as an infinite universe between each strike of the stick.

Friends have always been a complicated subject in my life, as I moved around a lot when I was younger, switching schools, and ultimately just not great at being outwardly social…I don’t go out of my way to make friends, made it difficult to find much less hold on to a good friend. Some of the foundations of a great friend are simple. Be able to call me out on my bullshit with harsh but constructive honesty, supportive of my craziest ideas or at least willing to listen while I rant and rave about the delusional concepts my life is built upon. Friends can offer unbiased opinions in regards to relationships because lets face it, relationships are riddled with biased points of view and expectations. I really just need a friend who is willing to be a vocal outlet in time away from the stresses of work whether it be snowboarding, sitting on the beach, sitting in a bar, or just going for breakfast from time to time to catch up remind me that I’m not completely crazy or at least not alone in the crazy. A good friend, scratch that, a great friend offers a similar but differing honest perspective that allows me to see the world in new ways. 

The Key to Happiness....For Me

Lately, I've been contemplating my happiness. Why? Well, because I haven't been all that happy for a while now and I was never able to put my finger on the reason, until now.

There are so many variables that play into someone's happiness that it can be tough to single out any one of them; job, finances, hobbies, relationships, etc. I've known for a long time that I will never be happy with any one "job," as defined as a normal 8-5 schedule or simply put, working for someone else. But, over the years, I've consistently drifted toward work that was on some level entertaining or challenging and kept me close to the one thing I have passion about in this world, performing. So I continue to perform Stage Technician duties in various capacities throughout my day.

Let's talk about passions for a moment, because I truly believe that if you can find something you're passionate about and can do that everyday, you can lead a happy life regardless of all the other variables. My passion is and has been for many years, playing drums. So much so, that when I don't get to play for days, weeks, or years on end it quite in fact has the opposite affect. If you haven't found it, find it and all the worries in the world will melt away.

We all know that money doesn't buy happiness and that relationships will fail if you can't love yourself before trying to love another person. But there are aspects of both of those variables to happiness that can have huge impacts on your state of mind and well-being, so take care when making decisions that will affect your pocket and/or relationship. So what could it be? What is the variable that, when I look back on my life and remember the truly happy times, sticks out like a sore thumb? For me, its excitement!

The excitement of starting something new and challenging, the adrenaline of performing in front of thousands of people, the adventure of wandering across a country where you don't speak the language, or the experiencing the pure energy of creation as you embark on undiscovered musical lands. Every moment that is tied to happiness in my life has some high level of excitement to it as well, which I'm pretty sure is why I tend to seek out adventures regardless of what affect they'll have on my life (personal, financial, etc.). This is also why I've always sought to become a live performing musician that can make a living off of the rush on-stage every night.

The downside, is that I'm not sure that "everyday life" is ever going to cut it emotionally? Its just not exciting to me. Even the most complex and challenging position at my new job, takes a bit of time to learn but just isn't that hard in the scheme of things. Can I ever be happy in a "normal" life? I don't honestly know. I hope that if I can never have the life I want, that I can change my perspective enough to be happy. I can try to trick myself into believing it but unless its real there's not much hope.

I'm a skeptical enough person that I even consider the fact that maybe I don't really have an understanding of what real happiness is? Because if my perception of happiness is completely engulfed in what some would say is artificial happiness, then how would you know the real thing when you see it? I have no idea. All I can do is move forward with the knowledge I have and try to understand my experience in the world. Tomorrow something will change how I perceive the next day, and so on.

I want to create from scratch, good or bad, and just push the boundaries of what is acceptable in this world. I want to be excited again!