Confusing

You say you love me and want to be with me, but when you have a chance to spend time around me you're awkward and completely off-putting in so many ways. I go out of my way to see you and you make me feel like a complete stranger. Friends....hm...interesting.

Relationships

I've come to realize that through out my entire life I've never really grown up with or seen very many positive relationships. Aside from what Hollywood tells us what relationships are supposed to be, my actual life experience and knowledge are very limited in the arena. I do realize that I am a hopeless romantic in so many ways, but shouldn't a good/positive relationship be pretty easy going and no major conflicts (other than maybe big ones like kids, houses...etc). Most days I just want someone that I can talk to, someone that is happy to see me and wants to hug me when they don't see me for days or weeks. Neither party should have to walk on eggshells around the other, in fear that they might upset the way of things. I feel like it should be as easy as breathing.

Path to the Future

Life is coming down to a series of decisions. Decisions that could potentially change everything for either the better or the worst. How to make the right decisions is a confounding process. I have the choice to pursue my lifes dreams and continue down the path that I've sewn through my own decisions or to put many of these dreams behind and move on to a life that i , up until recently have never thought an option. I feel like I've hit a major fork in the road, where one path will lead me farther away from those I care about but the other path will lead me further away from the dreams and goals that I've set out for so many years. I know why this decision is becoming harder and harder as the days go on, but I'm still torn. I need to take some time to meditate and really re-focus my attention to the universe. Perhaps the answer is out there and I just need to listen.

Regrets

I know that I just posted a piece but I feel that this has to be said as well. For those of you who think you know me and for those of you who don't know me at all... I don't have regrets. I hold strong to the belief that everything, every action, every decision makes us who we are. Therefore why would I regret anything that has gotten me to where I'm at in my life?

There have been good decisions, there have been bad decisions....there have been REALLY bad decisions but they are mine nonetheless. I expect you to accept me for who I am and realize that I'm in a constant state of change and growth, because I will do the same for you.

Life is changing, how you react and deal with it is all you.

Unique Perception

When it rains it fucking pours. Not only literally right now, it's been raining on and off for a week now, but in my life as well.

Interesting that quite consistently throughout my life when things are looking up and start to build momentum another part of my life completely hits a brick wall and falls apart. I seem to be lacking some of the common sense skills needed to succeed in life (or maybe just relationships) but I'm doing the best I can with what I have. Stating the obvious here, any smart person would continue focusing on the part of their life that is positive and building momentum. The problem is that I will be broken and spend time mourning the loss (or possible loss, don't really know yet) in my life and the momentum will have faded. I've worked really hard to not become a complete cynic but this might just push me over the line. It may be time to become a recluse and just focus on taking control and really pushing through to make opportunities happen.

Pretty sure that I see things in such a unique way that it pushes people away? Seems that for pursuing my dreams at any cost I'm viewed as crazy, heartless, or even mean at times. My intention is not to hurt anyone along the way, although I do realize that casualties will happen. I do not intentionally go out of my way to hurt anyone, ever! My only ruse is a positive one that is intended to involve those I care about in the happenings of my life.

As per usual, it's time to re-focus on what's important and try to give my actions purpose instead of flailing around aimlessly. I've got a Utah Wind Symphony concert to rehearse for, a trip to New York to prepare and pay for, the Chamber Music Series at the UMFA to plan for fall, a degree to create, a show to write music for, and the longest shot of them all...trying to create an audition opportunity for a well known band. Let's do it! ;)

Repair

No one person can fix another. The fact that some try creates tension. Only the person that needs "fixing" can make the choices to put them on the right path.

Excitement

Excitement is truly an understatement. I am so happy and thrilled for all of my good friends and family that are finding both varying degrees of success and happiness. Hope and some proof that hard work and determination do pay off even if only in small ways. I'm really not counting my chickens before they're hatched, just super happy for others at this moment.

Keep up the good positive work and we'll show this universe who's boss.