What do we do with the empty space when Hope is gone?

I remember of the time that I used to look out the window and just simply dream about what could be, what's to come, the potential of a boundless world.

I used to go to school semi-unwillingly just to get past it so I could get started with my life. I always thought that this time, now, would be the time for me to run and take care of the responsibilities that have been self imposed and to live the life that used to scramble across my brain trying to find it's footing as an overly hyperactive teenager. Why is it now that my ability to follow through has dwindled like the light from a fading sunset? I seem to be fading into the background completely unable to attain the potential that has been set out for me; my biggest fear realized, that I may live the rest of my life without ever being known or heard as a musician. What can I do?

The sad part is that I do know what needs to be done but just can't seem to make it happen. I'm not dumb, I know what and how to do the things that will make my life better and get me ahead. Is it a sin to know the truth but not to follow it? Most days I hate this process, but I do it all for those few days in which I fully envelope myself into music. As it is my life is a love hate relationship, when I do love it's wholly with my entire soul, there are only a few days in my entire life that I truly could or would hate anything or anyone but when I do it engulfs me. Today is one of those that I hate everything there is about my life, I don't understand why I do the things I do.

But what I do know is that, as there always has been, there will be a light at the end of the tunnel. The big question I ask myself is, how do I keep from trudging through that tunnel ever again? Why can't I just live in the light instead of always searching for it?

Learning

I used to feel weird or like an outcast when people asked me what my hobbies are and I would say, "I don't have any hobbies." Even some would say, "well isn't music your hobby." To which my reply was, "NO, music is what I do." But I look around and see so many people obsessed completely with sports teams and useless past times that they're not involved with on any level other than being a spectator and I am so glad that I am not a part of that crowd. Sure there are times at which I might sit down and watch a game or more likely a part of a game. But I could never get so involved that I get upset or angry at a team on T.V. getting paid to do a job.

What I'm saying is that if I had to have a hobby, it would be that I enjoy spending time learning. I enjoy learning about anything, mostly music, but really anything goes. I like to think that the things I focus on and spend my precious time worrying about and losing sleep over are things that will further my growth as a human being and will lead me down the path toward a greater truth and understanding of the universe we live in.

Ten Years

My how time does pass. As fast as it seems today, I've worked long and hard to get where I am and to be the person that I chose to be today. I'm not by any means where I want to be but on the path.

I've started and been a part of numerous bands that have seen some good times and lots of bad times. Some of the most memorable moments of my life lived between a recording studio and a van and falling asleep while Greg spent hours mixing into the night. I've lived in Los Angeles, Phoenix (twice) and moved to Salt Lake City to live and go to school. Ten years ago I lost something I thought I'd never have again. Since then, she returned to me and now I've lost her again. Since then I've been married and divorced.

I've completed 4 years in college and transferred to a music program that has allowed me more playing opportunities than I could have ever hoped for. I've learned to play the piano, flute, clarinet, saxophone, oboe, bassoon, trumpet, trombone, and french horn along with a world of percussion. Played 2-3 concerts per month for the last 3 years, played various different parts in musicals, and played more at churches than I ever thought I would.

Moving forward and excited to see what the next ten years will hold. I'm sure it won't be what I have planned but will work with what I'm given and enjoy the process.

Shining Star

You've always been my shining star that's always just out of reach. We seem to be destined to be a apart, yet never allowed to forget the love that explodes when we're together. They say that pain reminds us we're alive, in that case I've never felt more alive. As much time as I've had to enjoy you, like a shooting star our time together has come. The universe calls, it's time to go back to the destiny that awaits. I can't help but feel torn and a bit broken but if the past has proven anything it's that we'll see each other again. Like a long distance comet, our time to pass close will return. The time has come to say, "good bye."

Confusing

You say you love me and want to be with me, but when you have a chance to spend time around me you're awkward and completely off-putting in so many ways. I go out of my way to see you and you make me feel like a complete stranger. Friends....hm...interesting.

Relationships

I've come to realize that through out my entire life I've never really grown up with or seen very many positive relationships. Aside from what Hollywood tells us what relationships are supposed to be, my actual life experience and knowledge are very limited in the arena. I do realize that I am a hopeless romantic in so many ways, but shouldn't a good/positive relationship be pretty easy going and no major conflicts (other than maybe big ones like kids, houses...etc). Most days I just want someone that I can talk to, someone that is happy to see me and wants to hug me when they don't see me for days or weeks. Neither party should have to walk on eggshells around the other, in fear that they might upset the way of things. I feel like it should be as easy as breathing.

Path to the Future

Life is coming down to a series of decisions. Decisions that could potentially change everything for either the better or the worst. How to make the right decisions is a confounding process. I have the choice to pursue my lifes dreams and continue down the path that I've sewn through my own decisions or to put many of these dreams behind and move on to a life that i , up until recently have never thought an option. I feel like I've hit a major fork in the road, where one path will lead me farther away from those I care about but the other path will lead me further away from the dreams and goals that I've set out for so many years. I know why this decision is becoming harder and harder as the days go on, but I'm still torn. I need to take some time to meditate and really re-focus my attention to the universe. Perhaps the answer is out there and I just need to listen.