Now, a new year is born and already I have to prepare myself
for the inevitable outcome that my estranged father has brain tumors and lay in
a coma with no discernable future. A number of, impossible to manage, emotions
come flooding in and start to take over. Among them the idea that most of the
people I have known to have or fight cancer are from my family, I now have to
take into account whether or not brain tumors are hereditary or just a cause of
his lifestyle and environment.
I have no way of knowing if it’s hereditary. See we know
nothing of my father’s biological family because the one person that knew who
his family was (his adopted mother) has literally taken that information to her
grave. So now, for medical history, we have nothing but my father’s life to
start with hereditary diseases and diagnoses, which in and of itself is a
thorny maze of misconception and misdiagnosis of an array of problems.
After years of working to stay in contact, all I wanted was
to know his story. Told from his perspective. Because in the end it doesn’t
matter what others perceived as his story the only real truth is the one he
lived, his perception on life. I want to know every paranoid, schizophrenic,
manic-depressed, bipolar detail. If nothing else for my own safety and well
being, but to know the truth would be pivotal in building my future.
I’ve spent years trying to understand myself and my
interactions with the world. And I understand that most of that has to do with
my experiences in my environment. But, I also know that a big part of who we
are and how we develop is from genetics. I mean there’s something to be said
about the fact that I have never really been afraid of many physical dangers.
But, since I can remember, I have always been afraid of
social interactions, meeting people, talking to people on the telephone, asking
for directions, etc.; the small things. Those are my hurdles everyday until the
day I die. Since a very young age I came to terms with the fact that I might
die tomorrow and my attitude toward that has always been, I’m not going to wait
around for it I’m going to enjoy what I can while I can and pursue a life of
happiness.
My point is if I can learn about my history then I can
better prepare for the future.
