Lately, I've been contemplating my happiness. Why? Well, because I haven't been all that happy for a while now and I was never able to put my finger on the reason, until now.
There are so many variables that play into someone's happiness that it can be tough to single out any one of them; job, finances, hobbies, relationships, etc. I've known for a long time that I will never be happy with any one "job," as defined as a normal 8-5 schedule or simply put, working for someone else. But, over the years, I've consistently drifted toward work that was on some level entertaining or challenging and kept me close to the one thing I have passion about in this world, performing. So I continue to perform Stage Technician duties in various capacities throughout my day.
Let's talk about passions for a moment, because I truly believe that if you can find something you're passionate about and can do that everyday, you can lead a happy life regardless of all the other variables. My passion is and has been for many years, playing drums. So much so, that when I don't get to play for days, weeks, or years on end it quite in fact has the opposite affect. If you haven't found it, find it and all the worries in the world will melt away.
We all know that money doesn't buy happiness and that relationships will fail if you can't love yourself before trying to love another person. But there are aspects of both of those variables to happiness that can have huge impacts on your state of mind and well-being, so take care when making decisions that will affect your pocket and/or relationship. So what could it be? What is the variable that, when I look back on my life and remember the truly happy times, sticks out like a sore thumb? For me, its excitement!
The excitement of starting something new and challenging, the adrenaline of performing in front of thousands of people, the adventure of wandering across a country where you don't speak the language, or the experiencing the pure energy of creation as you embark on undiscovered musical lands. Every moment that is tied to happiness in my life has some high level of excitement to it as well, which I'm pretty sure is why I tend to seek out adventures regardless of what affect they'll have on my life (personal, financial, etc.). This is also why I've always sought to become a live performing musician that can make a living off of the rush on-stage every night.
The downside, is that I'm not sure that "everyday life" is ever going to cut it emotionally? Its just not exciting to me. Even the most complex and challenging position at my new job, takes a bit of time to learn but just isn't that hard in the scheme of things. Can I ever be happy in a "normal" life? I don't honestly know. I hope that if I can never have the life I want, that I can change my perspective enough to be happy. I can try to trick myself into believing it but unless its real there's not much hope.
I'm a skeptical enough person that I even consider the fact that maybe I don't really have an understanding of what real happiness is? Because if my perception of happiness is completely engulfed in what some would say is artificial happiness, then how would you know the real thing when you see it? I have no idea. All I can do is move forward with the knowledge I have and try to understand my experience in the world. Tomorrow something will change how I perceive the next day, and so on.
I want to create from scratch, good or bad, and just push the boundaries of what is acceptable in this world. I want to be excited again!
