Life Choices

Most people have a hard time with life choices such as, should I get married, have kids, or buy a house? These are, in their own right, very big tough decisions but at least they are accepted by the majority of society.

Every day of my life I make choices that are, in general, looked down upon by society. And no, being a musician is not a completely unacceptable lifestyle but truth be told most people don't agree with staying up until 5am working on music and going from job to job just to maintain a performance schedule. Even harder when it comes to maintaining any sort of relationship, including friends.

I know what you're thinking, "I chose this life." To be blatantly honest with you, I did choose to continue to pursue this life, but in the beginning this life chose me. I'm a complete addict. Going from playing 6-7 days every week to playing no more than twice in a week, I feel like a heroin addict. I can't get my fix fast enough or for long enough. Somedays I don't know what to do because it feels like this will be a life-long process that may never "pay off" in a monetary sense. Most days I find comfort in the process and continue to work my ass off finding and creating projects.

There's always another hurdle, always something new to learn.

What Most People Don’t Know about the Process

Its true I spent five years working on a degree at the University of Utah and had my share of trials and tribulations on the way. But now that I am here and have officially completed my degree, as in I finally received the paper in the mail with my name on it, its time to shed the truth and let go of some of the emotions that I have collected along the way.

I’ve been through five years of school at University of Utah but also did a year and a half at Utah State University. I went through five fairly serious/not-so-serious relationships and even finalized the papers on my divorce. Had a handful of days where food was not only scarce but also non-existent and I have a small handful of friends and family to thank for buying me lunch or dinner on those very stressful days. From re-igniting a distant relationship to nearly estranging my family these experiences have built a foundation for me to stand on and more importantly to follow these dreams through to the end.

Even now, as food is scarce and the prospect of work is unknown, I still feel an intense amount of accomplishment. True that mine are not as famed or outstanding as some, but for me they are mountains that have been conquered.  The amount of information that I’ve acquired along the way is ridiculous but the knowledge is priceless. My hope is that I can do the people that have helped me along the way justice by succeeding in my life goals and happiness. Because everything they have done has been because I was too stubborn to give up on a dream.

Thank you to everyone who has been there, bought me food, put up with rehearsal schedules, and the many frustrating moments which helped me stoke the fire enough to not only survive but to press on head-first into my dreams. I couldn’t feel more blessed and humble to have such great friends and family. Here’s to a long life following the stars. 

Who knows where this will lead? All I know, is that the creativity is flowing again stronger than ever before and now I'm armed with the proper tools.

Turning Points

Don't have the right connections to perform music for a living, and haven't been working consistently enough as a stage-hand to have any connections. Stuck in limbo. Day-jobs are unattainable. Feels like being picked last for kickball. People are always surprised when they finally do work with me and realize that I'm not full of shit and I know what I'm talking about. Aside from the personal connections  (networking) that others have, I can hang with the big boys. Its not about chops anymore, its about networking and the drive to succeed. I have the drive and the heart but the path is unclear at the moment. How can I get this fog to lift to show the world what I'm made of?

You get what you pay for?

Lately I've been trying to find work. In all of the avenues I have available to me, the work that I am best at and ultimately happiest doing is playing drums live and/or working as a stage-hand for venues. As I have been perusing the internet I keep coming across similar posts and similar ideas that, quite simply, disturb me.

In regards to whether or not someone should be "hired" (get paid) to play drums for a band or just simply join a band for enjoyment (as-if getting paid to drum isn't enjoyable). In the articles I've read there seems to be a clear line distinguishing whether or not you do it for fun for no pay or you play in a band for money that you may not enjoy as much. I understand that if you don't LOVE the music that is being played it can seem more like work. BUT, those of you who are getting paid to play, isn't that the purpose of what you're doing? If not, move over so those of us who love to play and are struggling to eat can get a chance. I can tell you honestly, regardless of the situation, if I'm getting paid or not to play I am treating it like its the best gig in the world.

On top of that the idea of "you get what you pay for," to me, is going out the door. You might be hiring me as a drummer to play for your band but whether you're paying extra for it or not you're also getting an experienced stage-hand with years of experience with sound, lights, cables, stage managing, rigging, crew management, etc. This day in age we, as musicians, have to be flexible and marketable. Regardless of job responsibilities if I'm on a show or a tour where I'm paid to be the drummer, you can bet your sweet bippy that if something needs to be done (running cables, setting up stage, organizing, anything at all) to better the setup or the show..... I'm going to step in and do it. I spent far too much time in bands with certain members who refused to help the group with setup or tear down and ultimately fired said members. There's just no room in this industry for anyone to be lazy or have that kind of attitude/ego.

This was made overly obvious to me when I attended the Rancid show recently. One of the musicians on-stage was working his ass off and still seemed to be loving his life. Justin Bivona played guitar for The Interrupters, played Bass (keys) for The Transplants, then played Keys for Rancid. Guaranteed he's part of that entire family.

This is the attitude I have always approached music and work with. I'm here for the long haul, you may as well put me on the payroll and get more than you bargained for.

Publishing

There is a book in the works. A collection of poetry, prose, blogs, and creative free writing. I am still in the process of combining from so many notebooks tossed aside over the years and scraps of paper kept in files. Going through such old emotions and seeing where I've come is an intense experience. Most of these writings I have not seen in over ten years but they still hold so much truth and emotion because they were written with nothing but heart. Although my heart, for many years, was broken and hurting its nice to see the transformation into brighter days and more recently into love.

The bulk of the work is done, but decisions to be made still are whether or not to have them printed through a self-publishing company or to just simply make them myself. Literally build the books my self, so then every single one is a unique custom piece of art?

Once the compiling is done, or at least to a stopping point, I will be posting more about the layout, design, and the final outcome of the book here as well.

Sacrifices are Being Made

Sacrifices must be made to follow this path.
Withdrawing from personal interaction
I have put myself in a position
Far from contact

Like a drug, personal relationships bring me to life
But without them, I am insufficient and broken

I am addicted to people and music
Many these days seem
fearful of starting new conversations
Running, hiding, avoiding

Breaking in half from withdrawals as friends go on with their lives
Re-focus on changing the outside to match the inside

Days will come when I can enjoy the path I have taken
But for now, work, work, play, work
Seven times down, eight times up

Happy Memories Long Since Passed

Riding the bus through my old stomping grounds,

I can’t help but think of you.

So many memories come flooding in

I can’t stop the biggest grin on my face

We have talked many times in the recent past

But its time for me to visit

Your eyes, your happiness, brings me joy

I can only hope to be closer to you

Although we live in different worlds

We can still be together, if only as friends

That’s fine by me as long as you smile and

Continue to bring beauty into my world.

Friends made for a lifetime

Hours of walking and talking

I have grown fond

Of looking into your eyes

Often staring back in confusion

So rarely do we take advantage

of our communication skills

Until chosen to learn a new language

Searching for words, for each other

Your smile is unforgettable

My words get lost in your eyes

Your last goodbye hug

Put a stamp on my heart

As I fly around the globe

My thoughts don’t wander far

Trying to keep up as you progress

Finding my way back into your arms

For just one more hug

The flight alone would be worth it

But to see you once again

And look into your eyes, priceless

Out of all the wishes

I have made in this life,

I wasn’t expecting you.

New feelings once lost

I once thought it manly to hold back, not cry,

And repress all emotion, this couldn’t be farther from the truth.

It is much more difficult to feel every emotion

But how you deal with them is really what matters most

Willingness to feel everything in every moment, allows for

Further development and understanding

I have learned what love means to me,

Not by shutting it out but by embracing it all.

How can we presume to know love without both the ever so positive and

The equally important negative?

Life and Times in Siena, Italy

Here's the link to my blog in Siena, along with all of the other students from my program.

Siena Word Press Blog

Reflection

I am a direct reflection of the people I am with.

Our creative beauty is a constant collaboration.

Shifting through forms flawlessly as an ocean tide

Embarking on journeys that carry us to unknown shores.

I am here to try to make sense, find reason for the unfathomable.

Showing those without awareness that each path is their own.

Often uncovering the obvious for those who cannot see,

is an important, quite painful task with no room for sentiment.

Happiness found beyond the horizon of understanding

At the moment of impact is difficult to believe in.

Shameless Self-Promotion

I know I haven't done this much and for my benefit should probably do this more. But here is a shameless plug for a few different projects that I've been working over the last year or so. I'm proud to have been included in all of these.

Perspective

Pet peeve of the day; people that say they're tattooed from head to toe and have no tattoos in near vicinity of their head or toes. Much less, many of these people have tattoos that are barely visible when even immodestly dressed. The term "tattooed from head to toe" should be reserved for those that have committed to having tattoos in highly visible places. Where, when someone walking down the street would obviously say, "Damn, they're tattooed from head to toe."

Yet another pet peeve is when these so called "tattooed" people are showing pictures around the internet about how they're "Tattooed and Employed." But in the pictures they are clearly covering any visibility of their tattoos while at work. I submit that these people are not tattooed and employed, they are hiding their tattoos to keep their employment. If you want to impress me by saying you're tattooed and employed then show me that you, more so your company, is not afraid of allowing you the freedom to showcase your artwork while in your work environment.

Changing Tides

Things in life change so fast. There is definitely something to be learned about embracing the impermanent. Trying to imagine anything being permanent in my life on any level is just absurd. To cheekily quote a movie, "Everything that has a beginning has an end."

Coming back around after years of school, struggle, and so-called stability an awareness of the universe keeps me in check. I understand that in the realm of this grandiose universe that is vast and unending, life is precious. We have such little time spent in this life that it would be almost disrespectful to waste any of it.

There can be so much time in the day when time wasted on Facebook, Pinterest, or Youtube is restored.  I often find myself with seemingly nothing to do when I actively keep myself away from any of those social media sites. After that time has been restored I have more than enough time to practice, hold extra rehearsals, and even update my blog.

Keeping and retaining focus for long periods of time is becoming harder and harder these days. Time to build toward greater things. Someone put the idea of being a "monster player" in my head. I believe its possible, will just take time to properly acquire the mental focus to take my playing to the next level.