If want to get to know me as me, and not the me you know from school, or work, or play, or anywhere else. This is the real me, for better or for worse. I have to deal with it, you can look away.
Love. As far as I'm concerned I have no idea what this word means. I once thought that I understood the meaning of this word/idea. But as I get older I'm shown that what I thought is in fact wrong/incorrect or just down right opposite of what I once thought.
Where can it go from here? I'm trying hard not to become cynical but the so called "relationship" part of my life seems so superficial and a waste of energy. I'm also trying to accept a different perspective on this issue, perhaps the way that I see it won't work for me. Always open to outside opinions and perspectives because there are more than a few.
What Hollywood and stories have set as a "standard" of sorts is complete and quite obviously fantastical and not what it really is all about. But what is it really all about and how does it work? These are questions that no one can answer but myself, but at this turning point in the road I have no idea even where to go. the path seems to be hidden from me, perhaps there's a haze covering the answer. But as this entry comes to a close because there are no answers to these questions yet, I leave you with a few words of wisdom and hopefully guidelines by which I will be able to define this path.
What if what I thought was impossible was actually possible and to achieve that seemingly impossible task was simply a change of perception? What does it take to change the way you see something? In the past for me it's taken drastic often dramatic changes to force a perception change.
What if, instead of taking drastic changes as I have in the past to force a change, I simply ride it out and see this through to the end. So much is at stake here and is riding on the simple task of riding this wave through the next year. It's only a year and in the grand scheme of the universe and our role in it is not that much time. The reasons I usually steer away from long drawn out options like this is because I always have time ticking away at me, I feel as if every second not being productive or moving forward is time wasted away. I forget that for progress forward often times we need to hold course and maintain heading until there's a need to change the sails. Too many quick movements will take the wind out of your sails just as quickly as changing course without looking ahead.
I do believe that it's time to maintain this heading and forge ahead for the best outcome whether the storm surges or not it's time to hold fast, batten down the hatches, and ride it through to the end. The end is so near I can almost taste the fresh water and the freedom of life washing over my feet. This is definitely the calm before the storm, even though it may seem that the storm is already run it's course...the toughest times have yet to come. The greatest test of strength, will, and determination and will change me forever.
Remember to take time to listen to the silence, the space between the notes/life is just as important as the notes themselves.
I leave you with this video of JoJo Mayer talking at a TED conference about playing differences between humans and machines. Remember that we have the ability to play in the gaps that machines will never be able to, that's what makes music truly unique and wonderful.
I've never felt more insecure about my position in life than I do right now. Never quite felt this level of confusion so either I'm doing something completely right or I'm doing something completely wrong. Either way will be a learning experience. Taking it back to the days of long nights, short sleeps, and early work mornings.
Personal relationships are the first to suffer, holding on to the few that really make a difference along the way. At this point, there's nothing more important than the process. Must maintain a level of sanity a connection to the universe around me. I used to feel it on a daily basis but now only periodically through random passing glimpses.
Don't let the Iron Gate hit you on the ass on your way out. Let's do some work and prove some people wrong but more importantly prove myself right once and for all.
