How are you?

This question has been asked a lot lately by people in passsing, aquaintances, friends, people I know through slight interaction. And they all ask in passing if everything is ok, how are you? But I get the disturbing feeling that none of them truly mean in.

So many people in this world are willing to offer up help in the form of words but when it truly comes down to the necessity of an action, they're nowhere to be found. How is it that anyone is supposed to succeed in this world if the only way to truly succeed is through higher education (College) but only those who go to college can afford to or have family to support them through it.

I'm getting the distinct feeling that someone or something in the universe doesn't want me to go through school and get close to succeeding. Does this mean that I'm closer to what I'm meant to do and the evils of the world are trying to keep me from it or does this mean that I'm just simply walking down the wrong path? All I do know is that I can't financially or emotionally afford to continue down the same path anymore. Something has to give and not having a place to live is a big incentive to sell everything I have to stay afloat and figure something out elsewhere. I can't help but think though that this is just another obstacle or hurdle to jump over to get to my end goal. Which raises the question how far beyond the limits of sanity are we willing to venture before it's too late or before we succeed in our goals?

Just a few of the many thoughts and reactions I've had over the past few weeks/months of digging deeper and deeper, trying to do the right thing and continue along the only path that seems worthy of my skills, passions and desires. I've come so far already. I can almost taste the end, but every step I take ends up putting me two steps backward and last time I checked the best motion toward a goal is forward not backward.

What to do, What to do?

I wonder if the path I'm on is the right one? There are signs along the way either lighting the path or taking you astray. Have the signs that I've been seeing simply leading me away from the true path that I should be following?

I know that all I feel in this universe, in this life is the awkwardly strong pull to create. I'm not sure if part of my path is to show others how to create or not? The idea of walking away from the last two years of education seems a little selfish in that I wouldn't be doing the "right" thing for future generations but would be doing what's right for me? A walking contradiction, I know that I can't make everyone happy, hell I know that I can't make anyone happy but myself. But how to know whether to change the path or keep walking. I would hate to waste anymore time walking someone else's path instead of directly walking toward my goals? At what point does doing something that feels wrong, become the wrong path?

The Feeling

When you hold me it's as if it's meant to be, it's as if it means something. All my worries disappear and the world seems to open up. It feels right, my creativity has sky rocketed in the last few days being away. I feel more calm more in touch with the world around me, ready to take on anything. This surprises me because it's been so long and so much has take place, but if it's mean to be it will be.

I am patient and have lots to do, as well as you. But I do crave that feeling, that warmth, that softness that is all encompassing. I wish for it, but all I can do is focus on the tasks at hand and wait and see.

When you hold me, it means something.

The Path

Through all of the learning that I've done so far in life, the most important thing I've discovered for myself....find your own path.

Watching so many people in the world fight, kill and ultimately destroy over simple ideas that the worlds religions are based on. In studying the general ideas of these religions or belief systems that the majority of the world follow I've come to learn that they all are based on similar basic ideals.

The overall general theme, whether it be enlightenment in life or after death they all have the same goal, Spiritual Enlightenment. What I've come to understand and is the reason for writing this today is that all of the religions and all of the beliefs in the world mean nothing if you can't find your own path. Jesus, Buddha, Muhammad....all found their own way. These people, who in fact were at one point or another just people, have set out their path before you to help you on your journey. We can not walk the same path of another and achieve the same experience, be sure to find and walk your own path but remember those who have come before and learn from those before you, take in stride the teachings of everyone but most importantly learn and make choices for yourself. Stand on the shoulders of your teachers.

Find your own path and walk it.

There's a Reason for it.

I feel as if there's something, life, the universe or maybe just my subconscious trying to tell me something. No matter what I try to do everything seems to be bad timing, even more precious because I'm a drummer, but any time I try to go out with friends or simply find a date..Nothing seems to line up. Perhaps there's a reason for me being secluded away from everything and everyone that can help me have fun or simply relax. I do believe that everything happens for a reason whether understood or not, but I'll be honest and say that it's getting frustrating this time round. Maybe I'm trying to hard.

How can I make more time for the necessary things in life...balance. I need to balance my heart, my mind and my soul without this there's nothing.

I am a contradiction in terms.

It's time to reset. For a moment or two I've lapsed in judgment. I've been drawn to you without rhyme or reason, not sure of my pursuance or need for persistence. Living so close yet so far away it seems as though we're in different galaxies. The universe draws me in different directions for different reasons, mostly for unclear reasons. Honesty is the only release for me at this point in my life, nothing else can satisfy.

I realize that I'm paddling upstream, but a little bit of trust and faith on your side can create such a wonderful, positive motion forward. Bad timing seems to be the bane of my existence, always coming in at the most inopportune time when you're trying to finalize, I'm working on initializing!

My denial of the word "can't" forces me to create abstract worlds where literally anything is possible. Why I can't decipher the difference is baffling to me, setting myself up for disappointment in the most painful ways. This, contradicting my overall philosophy of not setting up expectations?

Health and Happiness

I wonder that if people spent the appropriate amount of time focusing on their health and happiness and not blaming other things for their downfalls, if we wouldn’t be less over populated, obese and depressed as not only a nation but as a world?

I keep hearing people blame not having enough time to exercise or do the things they want on having kids, if you’re not healthy and can’t maintain a healthy lifestyle while having kids maybe you should consider NOT having kids? Accordingly people continue to blame having a family (kids) on not pursuing their dreams or doing what they want in life. If having a family is so strenuous and stressful and detrimental on your health, happiness and dreams, then maybe we should consider the importance of having a family versus health and happiness.

Now I don’t want to play down the importance of having a family, especially for those who want and dream of nothing but that for themselves. I realize that I’m not the biggest proponent for families but all I hear on facebook among other social networking sites is wining. People wining on facebook or myspace about what they wish they were doing, which makes me laugh right out loud (LOL) because they could be out working on their dreams or finding ways to get themselves on the path to their dreams but instead they spend the better part of their day trying to find out who posted what or who’s doing who on their favorite social networking site.

I will end by restating my introduction, I truly believe that if people spent the appropriate amount of time focusing on bettering themselves, specifically their health, and quit blaming their problems on others (having kids) we would all be healthier, happier and more motivated to help others.

Passion: a strong or extravagant fondness, enthusiasm, or desire.

It's amazing how most of these blogs are happening between the hours of 1 am and 4 am. But tonight is no different, I've been up pondering the parts of my life that I adore the most and realized that there are two things that I spend the majority of my day trying to achieve....Women and Music. Through these ponderings I've come to realize that I have only ever really been passionate about two things in life. Music and Women, even from the time I was a little one I've loved women and music with all of my heart and put nothing less into each of them.

There is a reason that I don't date just anyone or join a band with just any Joe schmo...I refuse to accept mediocrity with any part of my life but especially with the two parts that I'm most passionate about. Anyone who does is lessening the value of them in their own lives and not experiencing the full extent that both Music and Love have to offer. This seems to be the same reason why it's not easy getting over either of them when they ebb and flow through my life.

Music is more of a constant but still comes and goes, but when women (love) comes and goes it's much harder because when it's not there, there's an emptiness that can't be filled no matter what. I'm beginning to grow accustom once again to the space between, whether or not it fills again isn't entirely up to me. I do need to be weary though of who is let into the iron gates and even more so who is allowed to venture further in.

This is why I fall back on music, music will always be there in some form or another and when the stars align it's as if the gods themselves are smiling upon me and my love of music the notes almost write themselves.

These passions in my life run so deep that I'm willing to give up everything that others hold so dear just to have a glimmer of a moment with either of them. But that single moment can go on for a lifetime, completely losing oneself, time seems to stop and anything is possible within that one moment.

Revolution

Truth, Beauty, Freedom and Love

Everything in my life has been leading up to these next moments in time. I realize now that the music, movies and performances that have moved me and helped me understand my own involvement in this world are all revolved around one of these four ideas.

Truth is something that too many people have become afraid of. Political correctness has created a fear of speaking one's mind, speaking without censoring, speaking the Truth. A bit of harsh reality, truth, would do this world a bit of good.

Beauty has become something unattainable by the general people because it changes so fast and has become an unhealthy way of life. What people don't understand is that if you work on the beauty within the outside beauty will take shape.

Freedom. Far too many people take for granted what freedoms we do have and then allow many of them to be taken away for a sense, illusion, of security. Take a minute and truly try to understand what "Freedom" means to you. Are you willing to fight for it, even in your everyday life?

Love. What can I say that hasn't already been said. I've given up the greatest love that I may ever know to pursue my dreams in hopes that I might be able to glimmer a small bit of Truth, Beauty, Freedom and Love. I've sacrificed what most people would die to maintain all in hopes of achieving these dreams.

Let there be a light in the end and may Love be contained in a sliver of that spectrum, for me.

Unique Perceptive Path

As I walked up the stairs instead of taking the elevator like everyone else in the building, I came to realize why I do the things that I do; the way that I do. With a unique perception on life and the world around, I've come to accept that I can take no one else's path but my own. Not only because everyone's path is unique to themselves but because of the content of that which I'm pursuing is unique to the majority of the world. When I'm done with my projects and with my life I feel and hope that others can begin to perceive the uniqueness that is my life and my story, helping them to peruse their own understanding of the world around them. As I search harder and harder I feel that what I'm searching for is getting farther and farther away with each breathe of life. It's time for action, to take control of what I can and leave the rest by the wayside for others to trudge through. What are you waiting for; no one can complete a task but you.

Paths Come, Paths Go

Paths come together, paths diverge
Washing to and fro like a stormy ocean surge
Supporting and decaying
Each convergence gives and takes of each
With the honesty of life and a newly blossomed peach
We can now step forward into the next stormy surge

Don't tell me I can't do something.

I still remember one of the first times that anyone told me that I can't do something, more so they said I shouldn't do this or do that but in relation to the fact that I just couldn't do it.

Oddly enough it was actually my dad and my step mom in relation to drumming, they supported me being involved in music because they helped me buy a guitar but they were the first of many to tell me that I couldn't make a living as a drummer because it wasn't melodic enough, songwriters use guitars or piano to write songs. Although their intentions were kind hearted, it completely pissed me off that they thought that there was anything in this world that I couldn't do. I refuse to believe that with enough effort and the proper knowledge there is anything that can't be done.

I don't yet have kids and one day may or may not, but for those of you who do have kids or plan to have kids, NEVER tell them they can't do something. Truly, this day in age anything is possible. "Those who don't try, never look foolish." I'm perfectly happy looking foolish if it allows me the experience of trying something new or getting me one step closer to my end goals. Fear should not dictate your actions or your advice. That's all it is, is fear of looking foolish or sounding foolish in some way or another. Don't Be Afraid! I'm not going to presume to tell you what life is about, but I do know that life is not about living in fear, get over it!

So to my dad and step mom I say, "Eat It" because not only is it completely possible to write songs as a percussionist with percussion instruments but I can even write melodic sounding music with un-pitched percussion and pieces that are not intended for melodic purposes.

I'm continually working toward changing people's perception in every way, but specifically music and even more specifically percussion. There are projects in the works currently that you wouldn't expect and when they hit the scene you won't know what hit you. I look forward to it, I hope you'll join me on the journey through musical perception.

Mahola P. Willikers

Experience

I'm sure the most of you will think I'm a bit insane, but just tonight around 12 midnight I had one of the oddest spiritual experiences of my life. I woke up being pinned down, more literally paralyzed from moving my arms or my legs, and anytime I tried to yell or make any noise my mouth was forced shut. I felt this tremendous weight on top of me and anytime I tried to look over to see what it was, my sight was skewed as if I wasn't allowed to see what it was. After a few minutes of struggling the forced lifted and I was perfectly able to move around, look around, and talk like normal. The oddest part about tonight's experience was that it's happened before, and recently at that. Not sure what to make of it?

Good Enough Isn't Enough

So for the last two years, I've started school at the University of Utah, premiered large works of music by World Class composers, performed easily more than a hundred times in various ensembles and groups, traveled to Washington D.C., San Diego, Las Vegas, New Orleans, and Reno, have gotten divorced and dated a small handful of people since. Now finishing up my spring semester of my second year my perception of what was and what is has completely turned 180 degrees.

Thankful to be done with Keyboarding and Musicianship, I move forward into the summer with hopes of creating a Chamber Music Concert series at the UMFA, Instructing the Copper Hills High School Drumline, and really polishing my sight reading and percussion keyboard skills. I have to be the best of the best, the only way to succeed (and pay off these damned student loans) is to be the best performer. And not just be able to play anything that they put in front of me, but be able to play it well with a sense of musicianship and passion. That's what seems to be missing in a lot of people's playing these days is passion. So many people, myself included, simply struggle with playing the correct notes or the correct rhythms so much that the musicianship takes a back seat. As music majors we can't afford to have a single performance go by that isn't completely immersed with our heart and soul, good enough Isn't enough.

I hope someday that I can play mallet percussion the way that most play drum set, listening and reacting to what's going on around you and not just playing the music as written. The art of listening is taken for granted by most musicians these days. Being able to truly listen and hear what's going on around you is the ultimate goal and having to focus on what notes or fingerings to play takes us out of that active listening process.

This may seem obvious to many people, but as I woke up sneezing up a storm from allergies I laid in bed considering how to become not only a better musician but a better performer, and it hit me that I need to spend the time to get past the physical limitations so I can focus completely on the performance. I've come to a point in my life/career that I need to be able to perform and make some sort of money for that, even if that means that I'm doing school assemblies for the rest of my life. But to get to the next level for me also means that I can have a shot at Grad School, hopefully the program I want that would be a foot in the door into the Broadway Show/Tour end of the spectrum.

All in all things are looking up and moving forward, always moving forward. What doors will open up tomorrow, I don't know but I do know that I need to be better prepared for them when they do.

Time and Space

No more hiding in plain site. It's time people learn the truth.
The pain subsides when I'm the most vulnerable. Stress
leads to breakthroughs that are not productive for everyday life,
but that drive the soul to the limits of time and space. Bending
around the limits of physics to take the heart and soul on a trip
through the creative unknown. When I create music time and space
become irrelevant lending to the path of infinite possibilities.
Pure creation is that of no ego; no judgment. It just happens
free of worldly indulgence.